hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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