Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
