do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
