I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
