If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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