all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
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