Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
