My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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