Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
