Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
