i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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