im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
