dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
