I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
