no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
