Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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