Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can't turn off my feet"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
