....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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