You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
