i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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