I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
