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I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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