I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
