Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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