I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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