I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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