All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
