I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
