yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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