I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
