yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
