Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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