I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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