I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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