What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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