There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
