haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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