I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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