Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
