i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
