So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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