my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
