please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
