uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
