I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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