just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
