we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
