woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
