i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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