I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
