I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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