My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can I color on your dick again?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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